Today is May 12, in the Year of America's Lord Jesus 2006
05.04.2006: President Responds to Bill Clinton's Communist Plot to Deny America's Youth the FREEDOM® to be Diabetes-Rava...
05.04.2006: President Responds to Bill Clinton's Communist Plot to Deny America's Youth the FREEDOM® to be Diabetes-Ravaged Lardasses:
"You're not the Decider anymore, Clintoon. I'm the motherfucking Decider, and if I decide that the free market should turn America's public school kids into rotten-toothed, jiggle-titted pigbeasts, swilling 20 oz. vanilla Cokes between their Intelligunt Desine and McJesus Theory classes, then that's how it's gonna be!"
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
[RING]
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Hello?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Billy Bob, this here's President Bush. Listen, I'm calling on account of I heard about your deal with Big Beverage – the one to ban sody-pop in all the schools.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Yes?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Now normally I don't pay much attention to that edumacation stuff – or anything else that isn't me jerking off to live a live video feed from the nose of a cruise missile – but since this involves the reckless prioritizing of human life over the all-important bottom lines of ultra-huge corporations, naturally I got concerned.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Well, as you know, I began my anti-obesity campaign after undergoing quadruple bypass surgery for heart disease, which I attribute to a lifetime of unhealthy eating–
PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh yeah? I thought you got that from having to put up with old Ms. Senator Frostybox from New York!
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PRESIDENT CLINTON: (Polite chuckle.) Well, that's awfully funny, but as you know, for many years my diet consisted of too much fast food and sugary–
PRESIDENT BUSH: Slow down there, Clint-o. Look, the reason I'm calling is because you seemed to forget one thing: you're not the Decider anymore. I'm the motherfucking Decider, and if I decide that the free market should turn America's public school kids into rotten-toothed, jiggle-titted pigbeasts, swilling 20 oz. vanilla Cokes between their Intelligunt Desine and McJesus Theory classes, then that's the way it's gonna be, hear?
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Of course I understand that you're the President now. But you see, I have committed myself to making a positive impact on people around the–
PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, well that's the problem right there! Why can't you Democrats understand that post-presidential life is supposed to be simple and dignified; tooling around playing golf at the whites-only country club and raking in gazillions for sitting on the boards of defense contractors and the Carlyle Group? But you and that buck-toothed fuck Carter, why you always gotta be off doing good?
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I'm not sure I follow you, George. Are you starting to make plans for your post-presidency?
PRESIDENT BUSH: No, no, that'll be a moot point after I sign Executive Order 72304. Wait, I mean...
Forget that. Listen, time was, I could let the biggest security failure in American history occur on my watch, and even the editors of The Nation were queuing up to gang-nuzzle my taint. But after five years of killing who-knows-how-many thousands of soldiers and Arabiacs to made my oil pals even richer, suddenly old Harry and Helen Hotpocket from the Heartland are catching on to how my actual agenda has always just been to cornhole the ever-loving shit out of them.
In short, I look bad. And you looking good don't help me none.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: George, I don't see how your current political troubles have anything to do with me saving millions of children from–
PRESIDENT BUSH: It's got EVERYTHING to do with it. Anyhow, I thought you were "pro-choice?" So why are you denying millions of poor kids their FREEDOM to choose? Specifically, to choose to ENJOY being relentlessly stalked from cradle to grave by predatory shitfood marketers? That's the American way, Bubba-boy!
PRESIDENT CLINTON: You know, I really like you, George. And I think this is one of those occasions where we're just having a friendly disagreement. Maybe we can come to an agree–
PRESIDENT BUSH: Come? HA! I don't think so. Haven't you done enough cumming already, Bill? (Laughter)
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Excuse me?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Get it? You said "come." You, the guy who jizzed in the Oval Office! So then I said, "haven't you done enough CUMMING already?" (Laughter)
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I'm afraid we're not finding any common ground here, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Hey that reminds me: I gotta quick joke for you. Knock, knock.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: (Sighs.)
PRESIDENT BUSH: Aww come on now! Humor me. Knock, knock!
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Who's there?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Monica.
PRESIDENT CLINTON. George�
PRESIDENT BUSH: No! I said "Monica." That means now you're supposed to say "Monica who?" Go on now, DO IT!
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Very well. "Monica who?"
PRESIDENT BUSH: Monica that fat ugly Jew bitch you blew man snot all over! Remember me, handsome? Me and my huge thong-wearing ass just looooooove sody-pop! Don't take away our sody-pop, handsome!! (Laughter)
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Good night, George.
PRESIDENT BUSH: (Laughter) Hey, you got any cigars lying around??? (Laughter.) I feel like jamming (Laughter) a big fat cee-gar (Laughter) right up my (Laughter) big stanky Coca-HOLA! (Laughter) Get it? HOLE-A? (Laughter)
PRESIDENT CLINTON: [CLICK]
PRESIDENT BUSH: (Laughter) Wait! Come back, Sody-Pop Man, come back! (Laughter)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
